Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
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People always tell me I’m condescending.
(That means talking down to people.)
Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
Convex go to prison!
Give a man a fish, and he’ll
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?