“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
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For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.
You don’t pay taxes—they take taxes.
A farmer counted 196 cows in
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck
Submitted by M. R.