Reading The Fifth
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I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
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I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Something very sad about the fact that I haven’t read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
I don’t get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, “Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?”
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
A burglar stole all the lamps in my house. I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted.
Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker