Tim Siedell on The Revenant

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.

—Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
Lily Tomlin

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

—Comedian Mike Birbiglia

Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

—@BoobsRadley

The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."

You don’t pay taxes—they take taxes.

—Chris Rock

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished 
a cardigan by now.

—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com