Tim Siedell on The Revenant

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Rita Rudner

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.

From meetingboy.com

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.

—Jim Eason

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because housing is so much cheaper.

Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.

Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth