I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses. The whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was, I should cut my bangs.
Comedian Bonnie McFarlane
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A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
I don’t think George
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase,
injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird: “Hey, I think you’ve got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.”
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, they spell "THEIRS"?
I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it.
—Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)