Funny Stories

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. “I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.” Sally Thorinson, Ferndale, Washington

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop 
monitor.” “I lied and told my dad school 
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see 
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.” “I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’” Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!” Jan and Jack McCloskey, 
San Francisco, California

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s 
so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” 
I asked. “I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.” Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet ... Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her! Me: Um … that’s a goat. From notalwaysright.com

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his acts of true kindness and 
selfishness.” “Dancers must have long limps.” “At first, I had a hard time 
understanding and interrupting 
his movement.” “Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.” Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

During college, I worked on 
a conveyor belt. One day, I was 
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a belt,” I said. With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?” Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada

My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a salute and 
responded, “I don’t know, sir!” 
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?” “You’re standing in it, sir,” said 
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.” Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina

I phoned a local restaurant to 
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That 
depends on which direction you’re coming from.” Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas

Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so 
I don’t have to spend all eternity 
beside my ex!” Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania

For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received 
a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this for all your weddings!” Helen Thoen, Manly, Iowa

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.” “Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King  “Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali “Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz “The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. 
My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom. Source: fmylife.com

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?” Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

My son and I were checking out 
a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry? 
I know you. We went to school 
together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you 
recognize me?” I drew a complete blank. She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture—still nothing. “Let’s look at your 
picture,” she said. She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I 
had written, “Elaine, I will never 
forget you.” Lawrence I. Brant, Delray Beach, Florida

“Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the 
directionally challenged Marine 
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the 
one that hurts.” Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three 
before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a 
toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took 
up my razor and started shaving. 
I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was 
running the razor up and down 
his leg. So much for male bonding. James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So 
I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.” From gcfl.net

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: • How much does Mount McKinley weigh? • Would the lightning be faster if 
it didn’t zigzag? • What do you do with the snow when it melts? Source: msn.com

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.” A. R., via Internet

My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about 
her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.” Nancy Billings, Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts

My granddaughter was 
graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the 
future. She hadn’t any, but she 
did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those 
cubicles and think all day.” B. O., via Internet

We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the client wanted 
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, 
I got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s. Source: clientsfromhell.net

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered 
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.” Source: abovetopsecret.com

Students are great about 
sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why: “Dear Soldier, If you’re having 
a rough day, remember the most 
important thing in life is to be 
yourself. Unless you can be Batman.” “Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red 
Hot Chili Peppers.” “I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.” Source: uniformstories.com

As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said, 
“I have a wee-wee. Daddy has 
a wee-wee.” “That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do you know what 
mommies have? Daniel did: “Earrings.” From I Am So Full of Happy Today 
by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?” Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.” From I Am So Full of Happy Today 
by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror. “Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can see myself on either side of you.” Amanda Barton, Derby, England

During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor. “That was nice of them,” he said. She was unimpressed. “They only want me for my body,” she grumbled. Carmen Schmeiser, Normal, Illinois

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?” The pianist replied, “Most of them.” Judy Scheffel, Alpharetta, Georgia

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!” His reply: “I can only dream.” Sylvia Cardenas, 
Hacienda Heights, California

As I waited for my luggage 
at the airport, a man lifted my 
suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s 
my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!” C. S., via Internet

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. 
It might have had something to 
do with how she completed this 
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “Driver.” Nathan Hellman, Brooklyn, New York

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m 
going into screen saver mode.” L. Y., via Internet

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s 
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry. Jacob Cheeran, Thrissur, India  

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, 
demanding a refund. Client: You did my tattoo backward! Tattoo artist: It’s backward? Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now! Source: clientsfromhell.net

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?” William Umberson, San Diego, California

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!” Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma 
Marie the same.” Jennifer Shafer, Durham, North Carolina

Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A. Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk. Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white. Paul Silverman, Mohegan Lake, New York

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since. @trmiller1326, from reddit.com

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!” Chris McDonough, Wilmington, Delaware

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.” Angie Kiem, Irwin, Iowa

“Has your diet changed?” 
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. “Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave 
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.” L.K., via Internet

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except 
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.” Mark Latessa, Brownstown, Michigan

Scene: Inside a Best Buy store. Customer: Can you help me? I’m looking for a shredder. Coworker: We have all types of shredders. What will you be shredding primarily? Customer: Collard greens. Jessica Smith, Peachtree City, Georgia

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures. “Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?” “Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?” Source: Dave Barry, in the Miami Herald

Request from a client: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist: “$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, 
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into 
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.

While taking stock of our 
products, I read aloud the final 
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after 
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his 
desk phone’s keypad. David Marland, on quora.com

While on maneuvers in the 
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him. “Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.” Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and 
I was right, because suddenly, he 
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!” John DiFeliciantonio, 
Ventnor City, New Jersey

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and 
let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we 
took our seats, I handed programs 
to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.” From gcfl.net

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.” “I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said. “Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.” From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.” Source: acidcow.com

When I spotted a Navy captain 
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II. The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.” “What’s an LMD?” I asked. “Large mahogany desk.” Michael Ciavolino, Bel Air, Maryland

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked. “Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.” Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.” Raymond V. Packouz, Lake Oswego, Oregon

When I bought beer at the 
grocery store, the clerk asked for 
my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?” David Phenix, Columbia, South Carolina

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ” Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one that has no roast beef.” Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife. Me: Call my wife. Siri: Which wife? Taylor Gibbs, Visalia, California

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?” “No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.” Craig Ray, Johns Creek, Georgia

“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student. She explained that she’d fallen 
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.” And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University. Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know. “Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since 
I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?” He said he did and thanked me. The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?” From clientsfromhell.net