Animal Jokes

Newest Jokes


My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@FattMernandez (Matt Fernandez)

Bested by a Parrot

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

Breeding Doubt

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

What's the Plural of Mongoose?

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Submitted by M. S., via Internet

The One About The Stand-in Gorilla

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one.

In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage.

Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

The Penguin Whisperer

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.

After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.

“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”

“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Cat Appetites

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.


The Impatient Flea

Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!”

—Source: Funny in Brazil Survey

The Anxious Poodle

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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