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The Time Traveling Soldier

When a soldier came to the 
clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an 
attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination 
was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was 
I in there for?”

Joanne Korman, Bedford, Nova Scotia

Zero Smarts Thirty

While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should 
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.

A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”

Jesse Kane, Iowa City, Iowa

Expanding Inventory

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

Sally Thorinson, Ferndale, Washington


Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share 
the most embarrassing times they got caught.

“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop 

“I lied and told my dad school 
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see 
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”

“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”

Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A Wee Little Triumph

Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, 
she threw her arms in the air 
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can 
go to Harvard!”

Jan and Jack McCloskey, 
San Francisco, California

Squeaky Clean

My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s 
so disgusting!”

“What are you going to do?” 
I asked.

“I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.”

Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio

Tiptoe Through The Typos

Gauging from these exam 
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.

“The costumes were vindictive 
of the style of dance.”

“I commend Bill T. Jones for 
his acts of true kindness and 

“Dancers must have long limps.”

“At first, I had a hard time 
understanding and interrupting 
his movement.”

“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”

Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin

How to Find a Foxhole

My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He snapped off a salute and 
responded, “I don’t know, sir!” 
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”

“You’re standing in it, sir,” said 
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”

Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina

Flower Girl in Perpetuity

For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received 
a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this for all your weddings!”

Helen Thoen, Manly, Iowa

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King 

“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali

“Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz

“The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

Expecting a Food Baby

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. 
My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom.


Bested by a Parrot

Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a birdcage to 
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas

Yearbook Signers Beware…

My son and I were checking out 
a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry? 
I know you. We went to school 
together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you 
recognize me?”

I drew a complete blank.

She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture—still nothing. “Let’s look at your 
picture,” she said.
She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I 
had written, “Elaine, I will never 
forget you.”

Lawrence I. Brant, Delray Beach, Florida

Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!

“Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the 
directionally challenged Marine 
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the 
one that hurts.”

Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Shaving with Daddy

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three 
before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a 
toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took 
up my razor and started shaving. 
I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was 
running the razor up and down 
his leg. So much for male bonding.

James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia

"What's Good Tonight?"

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”

Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So 
I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”


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