Funny Stories

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“Does It Only Come In Black?”

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

Sara Simeral, New London, Connecticut

Chemistry In The Soup Kitchen

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed 
because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a 
living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut

A Risk For All Seasons

My mother was rushed to the 
hospital following a serious tumble. There the staff placed a band around her wrist with large letters warning: Fall Risk.

Unimpressed, Mom said to me, “I’ll have them know I’m a winter, spring, and summer risk too.”

Betty Heim-Campbell, Fairhope, Alabama

Whom Gave It Away?

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”

“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”

After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.

From gcfl.net

The Cost of Vinyl

Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, “But there’s a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records.”

Linda Neukrug, Walnut Creek, California

Bad Burglars Do This

While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who’d injured himself running from a home. He told me he’d broken in and unhooked the phone before searching for valuables. But he’d panicked when he heard a woman’s voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your call again.”

Wilson Hsia, Temple City, California

5 Lies Job Applicants Tell

Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …

… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.

… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.

… to be a Nobel Prize winner.

… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.

… he was fired “on accident.”

From careerbuilder.com

Confessions of a Store Santa

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

From guy-sports.com

An Iraqi Beauty Regimen

After my niece returned from 
her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how beautiful her complexion looked. “What do you use on your face to keep it so smooth?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’ve been sandblasted.”

Wanda kaltreider, Wrightsville, Pennsylvania

What ‘Master Key’ Means in the Military

During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost my key. I walked into the orderly’s room and asked Sarge if 
I could borrow his master key.

“Why, certainly, young man,” he said, as he reached under his desk and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.

John Dannar, Pasadena, Texas

The Case of The Imaginary Dogs

My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.

Helen Reynolds, Missoula, Montana

Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”

Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

Bosom Buddies

My friend at the singles club was blithely chatting away, oblivious 
to the fact that her name tag had slipped down over her breast. I asked another friend if I should say something to her. “Like what?” she asked. “What she named the other one?”

Marcy Snaza, Richfield, Minnesota

Half It Your Way

The food at the sandwich shop 
I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

Carole Holder, Norman, Oklahoma

Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came out k. The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we 
just call it a duck?”

Pamela Spinney, Enosburg Falls, Vermont

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