Religious Jokes

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Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”

Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, 
Mauston, Wisconsin

Let Us Cuss

Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run.

“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.”

The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”

“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

Submitted by LaVerne Lauterbach, Lansing, Michigan

Un-intelligent Design

We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the client wanted 
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, 
I got a call.

Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.


Hot-Crossed Pastors

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James 
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time 
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”

Ruth Rowles, Halifax, Virginia

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had 
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This 
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing 
What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of 
People Holier than You: 
#7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False 
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency,

Eve's Online Dating Profile


Sex: Female

Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, 
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old

Location: Over by some ferns

Height: A tall vine

Weight: A bunch of sticks

Body Type: Only female type there is

Favorite music: Birds

Favorite movies: Birds

Favorite food: Birds

Hobbies: Being tempted, birds

Profession: Woman

Personality: VERY easily tempted

Turn-ons: Adam, birds

Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks

Looking for: The only other person in existence

From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram

G-d Hates B.S.

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”

Barbara Geerts, Davenport, Iowa

The End Is Nigh-er Than You Thought

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up 
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

King Soloman Jr.

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.

Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”

Evelyn Wieland, Bay City, Michigan

Strain in The Mass

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.

Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.

Me: Oh, thank you.

Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.


Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

The One About The Fishermen and The Angel

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

A Grizzly Conversion

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Barefoot Gandhi

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

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