“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire:
• Free Schmuelly
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California
While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”
Lisa Shasha, Norwich, Connecticut
The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”
Michael Stephens, Ontario, Canada
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, Mauston, Wisconsin
Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.
“It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
Submitted by LaVerne Lauterbach, Lansing, Michigan
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.”
It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.”
Ruth Rowles, Halifax, Virginia
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”
Mark Latessa, Brownstown, Michigan
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favorite music: Birds
Favorite movies: Birds
Favorite food: Birds
Hobbies: Being tempted, birds
Personality: VERY easily tempted
Turn-ons: Adam, birds
Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks
Looking for: The only other person in existence
From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram
Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’”
Barbara Geerts, Davenport, Iowa
A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”
Evelyn Wieland, Bay City, Michigan
Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman.
Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you.
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick … Read More
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the … Read More
How does Moses make tea?
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious… Read More
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. &emdash;God
—Source: Funny in Russia Survey
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.
So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no … Read More
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”
“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean… Read More
Spotted on a church marquee: “Love your enemies; After all, You made them.”
As church secretary, I prepare the bulletin for each week’s services. One Sunday morning, I heard snickering from the pews. Quickly grabbing the bulletin, I found the cause. The sermon title for that day was: "What Makes God … Read More
A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. "I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” "Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. "All you … Read More
After ringing cell phones ruined a service, our rabbi laid down the law in the latest temple newsletter: "Let’s turn off the technology and turn on each other."
The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question "What is the first thing Adam said to Eve?" I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam… Read More
When our minister and his wife visited our neighbor, her four-year-old daughter answered the door. "Mom!"she yelled toward the living room. "God’s here, and he brought his girlfriend."
Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you want?"
En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect. "Confession is where you tell all the bad things you’ve done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. &… Read More
Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?
Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help. "I need you to pray for my hearing," he tells the preacher. The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays and prays. When he’s done, he asks, "How’s your hearing now… Read More
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder … Read More
During our priest’s sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that’s the first time I actually put a plant … Read More
When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven’t gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments."
After examining the paltry tips left by a church group, our waitress was not pleased. Looking toward my table, she grumbled, "These people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill, and they don"t break any of them!&… Read More
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
Adam bit the apple and, feeling great shame, covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt shame and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind the bush to try on a maple leaf, a sycamore, and an oak.
Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour. "I built myself a house. That’s it there. Here’s the barn, and over here is … Read More
With Bible in hand, I read to my high school religion class, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife." "Okay," I said, "from this Scripture, what do we learn is important in … Read More
The subject line on the e-mail sent by our campus ministry after Easter read "He is risen!" But the next day, we received a rather startling message intended to clear up a minor typo in the first e-mail. The subject line now read… Read More
The pastor asks his flock, “What would you like people to say when you’re in your casket?”
One congregant says, “I’d like them to say I was a fine family man.”
Another says, “I’d like them to say I helped people.”
The third … Read More
During his fourth week of basic training, my grandson was able to make a brief phone call to me. He said he was attending church on base every week, which I was pleased to hear. "Everyone goes to church here," he added. "It’… Read More
My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone. When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead "That Nun Should Perish."
Fact: We salesmen believe we can sell anything. But my confidence was put to the test recently in a hotel lobby. When the doors to the elevator opened, it was packed with women. I walked in, flashed a broad grin, and said, "Looks like … Read More
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for … Read More
When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching." Next to the fruit was a plate of cookies, which had a sign … Read More
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have … Read More
Giving a sermon one Sunday, I heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people. I interrupted my sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I’ve said." That quieted them … Read More
As my five-year-old son and I were heading to McDonald’s one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for whoever might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray.&… Read More
A friend of mine, a professional organist, was asked to play for a wedding. Unfamiliar with the church’s organ, she went to the sanctuary to practice. Curious about a small keyboard that slid out from under the two regular keyboards, she … Read More
The phone rings at the synagogue office. "Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" The caller asked."It is." "This is the Internal Revenue Service. We wonder if you can help us." "I’ll try." "Do you know … Read More
As part of his talk at a banquet, our minister told some jokes and a few funny stories. Since he planned to use the same anecdotes at a meeting the next day, he asked reporters covering the event not to include them in their articles. … Read More
Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green. Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on … Read More
Not long after I resigned as pastor of a small community church, the phone rang. "Is the reverend there?" a man asked.I explained that I was a minister, though not the current pastor. "You’ll do," he said. The man wanted… Read More
One Sunday morning my sister Liz was surprised to receive a phone call from her minister. He reported that he’d just been in a minor car accident and asked if she could inform the congregation he’d be unable to conduct services that day. … Read More
As the golfer approached the first tee, a hazardous hole with a green surrounded by water, he debated if he should use his new golf ball. Deciding that the hole was too treacherous, he pulled an old ball out and placed it on the tee. Just … Read More
The pastor of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. "There’s good news and there’s bad news," he told the congregation. "The good news is that we have more than enough … Read More
My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of… Read More
During an ice storm I went to check the mailbox, carefully shuffling down the driveway. When I reached for the mail, my feet went straight up in the air, and I landed on my back. More embarrassed than hurt, I looked to see if anyone … Read More
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by … Read More
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ " she began. "Now the Lord will … Read More
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" a teacher asked the children in her Sunday school class."No!" the children all answered. "If I … Read More
A doctor died and went to heaven, where he found a long line at St. Peter’s gate. As was his custom, the doctor rushed to the front, but St. Peter told him to wait in line like everyone else. Muttering and looking at his watch, the doctor … Read More
The sentence in the Thanksgiving edition of my church bulletin intended to say "Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blind to see." But in what might have been a classic Freudian slip, the sentence read "Thank … Read More
At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?" "At conception," said the Catholic priest. "No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "… Read More
The Presbyterians were convening in Scotland. After a couple of days of sitting on hard pews, a group decided to stretch their legs in the countryside. Soon they approached a rickety old bridge over a river. They were so busy talking they … Read More
A computer salesman dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells the salesman that he can choose between heaven and hell. First he shows the man heaven, where people in white robes play harps and float around. "Dull,&… Read More
Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, … Read More
Our pastor was teaching Proverbs 16:24: "Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones."The minister then added, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." My wife leaned … Read More
We accompanied our son and his fiancée when they met with her priest to sign some pre-wedding ceremony papers. While filling out the form, our son read aloud a few questions. When he got to the last one, which read "Are you … Read More
A young parish minister about to deliver his first sermon asked a retired cleric for advice on how to capture the congregation’s attention. "Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them," the older man said. "For … Read More
My friend and I delivered a large refrigerator to the local priest’s home. With difficulty we had managed to get the fridge into the porch, but struggled for over 20 minutes to make the 90-degree turn through the narrow door. The priest, … Read More
Every Catholic church in town but one had its Mass schedule posted in front. The exception announced the time weekly bingo started. I phoned the priest to complain."My son," he replied, "our parishioners know when we hold … Read More
Kevin was not an ideal child. He managed to get into mischief frequently, and was always trailed by his younger brother, Ken. Finally, at her wits’ end, his long-suffering mother took him to see their parish priest. The father decided to … Read More
Slogan for a now out-of-business restaurant in Carmel, California: "Karma Café. We don’t have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."
The preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home. He stopped a young boy on a bike and asked him where the post office was. The boy gave him directions, and the … Read More
Sharma, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we’ve both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside… Read More
The funeral directors of the mortuary where I am a receptionist were asked by a grieving family if they could place a golf club in the casket alongside their uncle, who had been an avid golfer. "Of course," was the answer. On the … Read More
My sister’s dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. As I explained this to my seven-year-old son, he asked if Jazzy would go to heaven.I said I thought she would, and … Read More
A preacher was asking for contributions to the church’s program to buy food for the needy. The town gambler, who also owned the saloon and several other shady operations, offered the preacher $500. "You can’t take that," a … Read More
My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume. "I’m going to be the Pope," he said. "Ian, you can’t be the Pope," I said. "You’re not Catholic. You’re Lutheran." Ian hadn’t thought about that. So … Read More
An elderly couple, admitted by St. Peter through the Pearly Gates, found conditions there just heavenly. Said the man to his wife, "I could have been here two years ago if you hadn’t fed me all that oat bran." &… Read More
For the past year or so, my husband has helped count the collection money after church. One Sunday a visitor placed a $500 check in the plate. After the service my husband congratulated the priest on the large donation. "I’m sure it … Read More
Do you know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.
A distinguished minister and two elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before going home, but unfortunately, the only spot open was a seedy … Read More
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming … Read More
Doug was leaving church after Christmas services when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it’s time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to see you every Sunday.""I’m already in the Army… Read More
One Sunday I asked our pastor to announce that the church softball team had won its league championship. As he did, he asked team members to stand up. Although there were usually ten to twelve of us at Sunday service, I was embarrassed to … Read More
When Travis Wolfe was the editor of religious news for the Chattanooga, Tennessee, Times, he would receive photographs from clergymen, church musicians, and speakers on religion. Wolfe made it a point to return all such photographs to their… Read More
The ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a Catholic school. From his first day, the boy spent every night poring over books. When … Read More
Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as "Coffee With the Cantor." The guest of honor, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a … Read More
A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address… Read More
A group of guys I know took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel, and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn’t be obvious they… Read More
During a Sunday service, the pastor asked the congregation for their intentions. We heard the usual requests to pray for sick people and the acknowledgments for those who helped when a parishioner died. The somber mood was broken when the … Read More
Seen while passing by a church: "Get in touch with God by knee mail."
Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer’s down," said St. Peter. "You’ll have to go back for a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?" The first priest said… Read More
My wife and I arrived late to a crowded religious convention where there was standing room only. We noticed some people get up to leave, and after they hadn’t returned for several minutes, we took their seats. The woman next to us insisted … Read More
One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is … Read More
My husband and sons and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks dressed in orange robes walked by. When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest … Read More
In December at our church, we collect frozen turkeys from generous parishioners, and I drive the turkeys to the Calgary Food Bank in time for Christmas. Contributions are left in the church kitchen’s freezer. On checking the freezer the day… Read More
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice." "Will that… Read More
Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven. "Welcome," St. Peter said. "You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it … Read More
A motorist was driving in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read "Turn Around. The End Is Near." The motorist didn’t like to … Read More
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses… Read More
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him! He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist… Read More
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked… Read More
The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not … Read More
Shortly after my husband passed away, one of my daughter’s Jewish friends approached her with a question. "Kate," he said, "I’ve never attended a Catholic wake before. What is the significance of the widow not wearing shoes?&… Read More
A human-resources director found herself at the Pearly Gates. "We’ve never had a human-resources director here before," said St. Peter. "So we’re going to let you spend one day in heaven and one in hell, and you can choose … Read More
My first pastoral ministry was as an assistant pastor to youth at a large church in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. In the fall of that first year, an evangelist was having a Saturday breakfast meeting with our group.I was anxious for every… Read More
Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman, after a year that included a few earthquakes, several wildfires, extreme winds, record flooding, and even some funnel clouds: "California—more than a state, it’s an Acts of God Theme Park.&… Read More
One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the mother superior, a feisty little nun of 70, that she always felt uncomfortable giving the young girls the obligatory … Read More
Toward the close of a banquet held during an Episcopal Church convention some years ago, the bishop of the diocese stood up and quite disrupted the entire affair by announcing, "We will reserve the entertainment of the evening until … Read More
While in seminary, I taught the Old Testament to prisoners. One evening as I waited for a guard to appear and check me in, I noticed the fellow ahead of me fidgeting and constantly checking his watch. Take a chill pill, I thought. Finally … Read More
A man walks into a church one day and kneels down to pray. "Lord," he says, "I’ve made mistakes, but I’m determined to change. If you let me win the lottery, I promise to be a good servant and never bother you again."… Read More
At church recently, I stopped to study an announcement promoting the youth choir’s sandwich sale. Being an English teacher, I couldn’t resist the temptation to correct the last line, which read "Donations Excepted." I crossed out … Read More
During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, "What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?" One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know the answer should be Jesus," he began, "… Read More
My co-worker and I were making a sales call to a rural Baptist church. We gave our presentation to the church committee, and then the group’s chairman walked to the altar and knelt down. After about a minute of silent prayer, he returned … Read More
The ordination of women as Episcopal ministers occasionally presents awkward situations as to what to call us. "Father" sounds inappropriate to some; "Mother" is traditionally used for unordained women overseeing … Read More
Desperate for a child, a couple asked their priest to pray for them. "I’m going on sabbatical to Rome," he replied. "I’ll light a candle in St. Peter’s for you." When the priest returned three years later, he found the … Read More
During birth-preparation class we were learning relaxation techniques, and the instructor asked us to come up with ideas to lower stress levels. Silence pervaded the room, but one dad, a slight fellow with round glasses and a religious T-… Read More
I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard a soft yet annoyed voice on the line muttering, "Darn, darn, damn, darn, … Read More
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time on the golf course. After several horrible shots, their caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"… Read More
While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the … Read More
Our minister’s sermon was about how the institution of marriage is under assault in popular culture. He cited the show Desperate Housewives . "How many are going to watch the season finale this week?" he challenged. When no one … Read More
Sitting on a bus just days after undergoing surgery at New England Baptist Hospital in Boston, my father noticed a passenger coming down the aisle with a standard-issue hospital cane just like his. Pointing to it, my father asked the man, &… Read More
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually … Read More