Gilding the lily is a job seeker’s birthright. Here are a few doozies, where the applicant claimed …
… to be a former CEO of the company to which he was applying.
… to be fluent in two languages—one of which was pig Latin.
… to be a Nobel Prize winner.
… to have worked in a jail when he was really in there serving time.
… he was fired “on accident.”
A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved
matter,” in Klingon.
Here’s some advice: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
Comedian Adam Gropman
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, “I have a new obstetrician.”
Sarah Parchert, Hoschton, Georgia
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was
expecting an ocean-view hotel
room. I explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of
the state. “Don’t lie to me,” he said.
“I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state.”
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”
Ellen Israel, Alamo, California
New York Times writer Amy Chozick giving an example of what
it was like working for a fashion magazine: “A girl got on [the elevator] with a Birkin bag, and her friend goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag;
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got it, like, a week ago.’”
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter
Anspach explains how he’d improve his odds if he were a film villain.
• I will not fly into a rage and
kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil
I am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
• My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
• If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason,
I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.
• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say no and finish him off.
Gauging from these exam
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive
of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for
his acts of true kindness and
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time
understanding and interrupting
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin
During college, I worked on
a conveyor belt. One day, I was
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,”
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
I phoned a local restaurant to
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That
depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas
“Halt!” shouted our drill
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the
directionally challenged Marine
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the
one that hurts.”
Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three
before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a
toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took
up my razor and started shaving.
I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was
running the razor up and down
his leg. So much for male bonding.
James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia
One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”
Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So
I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”
My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if
it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection.
The husband called out to his wife
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but
it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
A. R., via Internet