Office Jokes

Newest Jokes

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question.     =     I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it.     =     I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best.     =     I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further.     =     Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries.     =     You really messed up this time.

Take care.     =     This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers!     =     I have no respect for you or myself!

Source: thecooperreview.com

Art Reflects Life… Too Closely

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of me.

“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.

“No, that’s your chin,” he said.

He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.

“No, that’s your other chin.”

Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan

My Kids Don’t Know What I Do

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there.

Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”

“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”

Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

An Impossibly Long Leave

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.

J. L., via e-mail

The Wrong Lesson

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”

He eventually took another job 
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted 
me, hoping to return to his old job.

“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.

“Yes, I should have stayed here,” 
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”

Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia

Weird Questions Librarians Hear…

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

From gcfl.net

Not The Smartest Sports Fan

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”

“What’s your word?” the host 
replied.

“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller.

From Sports Illustrated

Weird Things Librarians Hear

Librarians may be shy, but 
their patrons aren’t. Look at their oddball requests:

A patron offered me $100 to steal 
a cactus from somebody’s yard.

A patron wanted me to find a 
book to teach her dog German.

A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.

A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn’t at work.

Roz Warren, from womensvoicesforchange.org

Whom Gave It Away?

When my coworker answered his phone, the confused woman on the other end asked, “Who is this?”

“This is Steve. With whom did you wish to speak?”

After a pause: “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

The woman replied, “I have the wrong number,” and hung up.

From gcfl.net

More Jokes

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you the newsletter each week, and we may also send you occasional special offers from Reader's Digest. For more information please read our privacy policy.