What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, Mauston, Wisconsin
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg
At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?
A: To get to the other side.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.
@trmiller1326, from reddit.com
We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):
• Drinkand Dr.
• Vicious Circle
• West 943,185th Street
• Psycho Path
• Peoples Ct.
• Nofriggin Way
I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter.
Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth
• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
• What is the sound of no hands texting?
• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?
• To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday?
VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch
VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her
From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:
• Counting Crows Feet
• Nine Inch Toenails
• Hair Supply
• Minivan Morrison
• The Early Byrds
From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com
The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:
“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being his former first mate.”
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.
Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents… Read More
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn, Green Bay, Wisconsin
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer… Read More
Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see:
• Rage Against the Curfew
• Food Fighters
• Electric Night-Light … Read More
3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division.
Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better name for a senior citizen home.
PetSmart is a good name for a pet store, but the … Read More
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more positive spin on the sales pitch… Read More
What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have in common?
They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into a small place.
I recently stumbled upon
my favorite new sports team. It’s
a woman’s bowling squad called
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman, Benton Harbor, Michigan
The barbershop was crowded,
so the woman at the cash register
offered to put my name on the
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called… Read More
Famous film quotes get the redneck treatment:
• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to… Read More
A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•The Lasting Supper
•In-… Read More
“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”
“I’d tap that.”
“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”
Submitted by M. R.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Q: Where do geeks go for a good time?
A: A wonky-tonk.
Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It’s two gross.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” … Read More
Q: What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A: A roamin’ numeral.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two … Read More
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It … Read More
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in … Read More
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he’s a keeper.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?
A: A stapler
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Q: Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
What did one boat say to the other? “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?
A: Because it thought he … Read More
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch cold!
Q: Why is the number six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.
Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Q: What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?
A: The thesaurus.
Why do artists constantly feel cold?
Because they’re surrounded by drafts.
My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.”
He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?”
Deb Morris, North Creek, New York
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?
There Will Be Blood Tests
Goon with the Schwinn
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That’s right—he was elf taught.
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they’re sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I’ll never part with it!
Q: What is a lion’s favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick “Santa Caus”?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won’t you?
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Clones are people two.
Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
What did one eye say to the other?
“Don’t look now, but something between us smells.”
Convex go to prison!
Algebra teacher: “What is seven Q plus three Q?”
Student: “Ten Q.”
Teacher: “You’re welcome.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”
How does Moses make tea?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid… Read More
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.
Why do bicycles fall over?
Because they are two-tired.
Why were all the ink spots crying?
Their father was in the pen.
As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. “That was my grandfather’s,” he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. “Of course, it’s been through three new heads since he … Read More
The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …
Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt… Read More
Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty."Do you have six cents?" she asked."Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents.""Finally," she muttered, "a … Read More
I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought, Now, this could be interesting.
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."
While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he’d gotten the nickname because he … Read More
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.
As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body… Read More
After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:
Harry Potter and the Goblet of … Read More
If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.
It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defense contractor." One of the guys was intrigued. "So, … Read More
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.
Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for … Read More
There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website: Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets … Read More
My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here’s one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping." "Hel-looo!" said my niece, … Read More
I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don’t get along with my real ladder.
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She … Read More
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting. "Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn… Read More
Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”
“An iPod?” she guessed.
“… Read More
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?" He replied, "Russia."
A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?" In seconds, two jesters appear at … Read More
Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of carrion."
We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don’t we: Delight electricians? Derange cowboys? Depose models? Debark tree surgeons? Depress dry cleaners?
‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks. "They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander. "Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks. "Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a … Read More
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey." "So what you’re … Read More
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating. "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon … Read More
Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What’s your street name?" I asked. "I don’t have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What’s with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!"
What did the ill comic say in the hospital? "I’m here … all weak!
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and… Read More
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where’d you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They’re watchdogs!"
Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns… Read More
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful … Read More
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator … Read More
Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he’d bought the bull so she could come … Read More
What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations? A used karma dealer.
A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so … Read More