Puns

Film Plots, Badly Explained

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot 
explanations.

The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx

The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry.  @eserunsalan

Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.     @generalist

Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works.     @DanSlott

The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.    @SueChainzz

From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game

Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four 
elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:

Golden Girls, Interrupted

The Lavender Hair Mob

Indicting Miss Daisy

No Country for Old Women

The Social Security Network

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Source: gcfl.net

The Calculating Sheepdog

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Submitted by Norie Bloom, 
Honolulu, Hawaii

Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

Submitted by Kenneth Roberts, 
Mauston, Wisconsin

The Smell of Delta

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King 

“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali

“Mist Connection”    —Cary Berkowitz

“The 99 Per-scent”    —Julia Flagg

Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

@trmiller1326, from reddit.com

The Worst Streets in America

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist):

• Drinkand Dr.

• Vicious Circle

• West 943,185th Street

• Psycho Path

• Peoples Ct.

• Nofriggin Way

From humorlabs.com

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites

I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God

II. At the Beginning He Had 
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods

III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?

IV. How I Work: Read This 
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator

V. She Admitted to Doing 
What Every Sunday?

VI. Seven Morning Habits of 
People Holier than You: 
#7 No Killing Before Lunch

VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses

VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants

IX. This Little Girl Bore False 
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You

X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

Over-the-Hill Band Names

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians:

• Counting Crows Feet

• R.E.Member?

• Nine Inch Toenails

• Hair Supply

• Minivan Morrison

• The Early Byrds

• WalkDMC

From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

Worst First Sentence

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh:

“Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was 
rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was 
actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being 
his former first mate.”

Winter Punderland

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

They’ll probably laugh later.

Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

Warning Labels We can Really Use:

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

From gcfl.net

Grammar Kills

The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice 
willing to work long, hard hours. 
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

Metal Bands For Kids

Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth 
graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see:

• Rage Against the Curfew
• Food Fighters
• Electric Night-Light Orchestra
• Alice in Time-Out
• Math Test Dummies
• Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band
• Onesie Direction

From humorlabs.com

Bad, Better, Best

3 Musketeers is a good name 
for a chocolate bar, but a bad name 
for an Army division.

Shout is a good name for 
a stain remover, but a better name 
for a senior citizen home.

PetSmart is a good name for 
a pet store, but the best name 
for a university.

Andy Simmons

Put-Downs Down Under

A Briton flies into Australia 
and is asked by the immigration 
officer, “Do you have any felony 
convictions?”

The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

A Bargain You Shouldn't Pass Over

A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more 
positive spin on the sales pitch:

• “A home suited for free spirits”

• “Mostly not haunted”

• “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners”

• “A place for all your possessions”

• “This house has good bones”

• “Your kids will make new friends”

Who's the Real Turkey?

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have 
in common?

They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into 
a small place.

10-Pin Puns

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter.
Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

Barbershop Blunders

The barbershop was crowded, 
so the woman at the cash register 
offered to put my name on the 
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked.
“Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.

Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?”

Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine

Redneck Movie Quotes

Famous film quotes get the 
redneck treatment:

• “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’”
• “Use the horse, Luke.”
• “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!”
• “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her 
’68 Rambler into mine.”

From humorlabs.com

The Perpetual Pizza Pun-Off

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•Semper Pie
•The Lasting Supper
•In-dough-structible
•Pizza de Resistance
•DeFrigNo!
•Auld Lang Slice
•Eternal Piece
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza

Popular NSA Pick-Up Lines

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.”

@Normwilner

“I’d tap that.”

@SanaSaeed

“I know exactly where you have been all my life.”

@Adonish_P
From #NSAPickUpLines

Zero Sum Puns

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

New World Gambling

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Noah and the Snakes

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Infinitely Many Mathematicians…

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Who Taught You That?

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.”

Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah

The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each 
job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint 
on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.”

Barbara Biderson, 
Huntington Beach, California

With Pointed Fangs I…

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?

A: A stapler

A Juggler, a Tightrope Walker, and a Clown…

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn’t the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

How Many Seconds…

Q: How many seconds are there in one year?

A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

What a Waste of Time

My nine-year-old and I passed 
a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.”

He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?”

Deb Morris, North Creek, New York

Lampooning Lance

Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?

L.A. Overconfidential

There Will Be Blood Tests

Needlejuiced

Goon with the Schwinn

—From topfive.com

The Road to Recovery

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

[email protected]

Comb On!

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I’ll never part with it!

We All KEA!

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.

I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”

Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

Cannibal Humor

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This taste funny to you?”

Weekly Poker Game

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?

They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

My Wife was in Labor…

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

Job Security

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:

Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

Would You Like to Join …

The Yoko Club? Oh no.
The German Philosophy Club? I Kant.
The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey.
The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend?
The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week.

From gcfl.com

The Human Cannonball

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.

“But you can’t!” protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

The Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Replacements

As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. “That was my grandfather’s,” he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. “Of course, it’s been through three new heads since he last used it.”

Too Short

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …

Funny E-Mail

Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."

 

Got Change?

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

 

Who Will Win?

I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg.

I thought, Now, this could be interesting.

A Great Position

One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."

Famous Characters

While I was performing in a show outside Chicago, there was a gentleman who could often be found hanging around the lobby. Every¬one called him the Marquis. One day, I asked the artistic director if he’d gotten the nickname because he looked so distinguished. No, he replied. "We call him the Marquee because he hangs out in front of the theater and is usually lit."

Funny Fictional Fiction

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest celebrates purposely awful opening sentences to imaginary novels. Here are the “best” from the past year.

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand a foot ahead.”
–Dennis Pearce

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe, and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men”—in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur. –Tom Wallace

Harry Potter Sequels

After J. K. Rowling announced that she might write a Harry Potter sequel—he was last seen as a married dad—The Week asked its readers to predict the title of the next book. Here’s what they divined:

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fiber
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ask-Your-Mom
Harry Potter and the Financial Portfolio of Doom
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Kidney Stone
Harry Potter and the Quest to Buy a House in the Hogwarts School District
Harry Potter and the Quidditch Mom

Diagnosis

If you are always straightening things, you have OCD. If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

Explaining My Job

It’s often a challenge to explain to strangers exactly what I do in the aerospace industry. At one gathering, I didn’t even try. I just said, "I’m a defense contractor."

One of the guys was intrigued. "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Blame Canada

Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan for our neighbor to the north.

Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It’s Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer

New Words

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.

House Keeping

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her. "Here’s one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can’t take that job. I don’t know anything about lighthouses."

Step Ladder

I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don’t get along with my real ladder.

Ghostwriter

My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.

Scottish Folk

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

Name Game

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

In Demand

After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.

"Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"

"Don’t worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most."

Guessing Game

Once I’d finished reviewing my daughter’s homework, I gave her an impromptu quiz. “What is a group of whales called?” I asked. “I’ll give you a hint—it sounds like something you use to listen to music.”

“An iPod?” she guessed.

“Close,” I said. “But what I’m thinking of is a little smaller.”

“A Shuffle!”

Superpowers

I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"

He replied, "Russia."

The King and His Men

A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"

In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.

"Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."

Flight of the Buzzard

Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of carrion."

Stripping Titles

We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don’t we:
Delight electricians?
Derange cowboys?
Depose models?
Debark tree surgeons?
Depress dry cleaners?

Guilty

‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They’ve all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

Peace in the Middle East

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

In the Stomach

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

 

Street Name

Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, I needed her address. "What’s your street name?" I asked.

"I don’t have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."

Talk Like a Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What’s with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!"

Get the Hook!

What did the ill comic say in the hospital?

"I’m here … all weak!

Call Waiting

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

 

Adopted Watchers

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where’d you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They’re watchdogs!"

 

 

Changing Ways

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy. "You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

 

 

Lawn-Mower Names

Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower racing. It also brought out some colorful names.

Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.

 

Losing Limbs

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

Speaking Slowly

Hoss drove over to the next county to buy a new bull for the farm. It cost more than expected, and he was left with only one dollar. This was a problem, since he needed to let his wife, Sue, know that he’d bought the bull so she could come get it with the truck—and telegrams cost a dollar per word. Hoss thought hard for a minute. Finally he said, “All right. Here’s my dollar. Go ahead and just make it this one word: Comfortable.”

“How’s that going to get your point across?” the clerk asked, scratching his head.

“Don’t worry,” Hoss said. “Sue’s not the greatest reader. She’ll say it real slow.”

The Salesman

What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?

A used karma dealer.

 

 

Someone Special

A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."

They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.

The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.

"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."

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